Today, a friend of mine had surgery. Don’t worry, nothing too crazy and she did great, by the way! When I talked to her yesterday I was reassuring her that everything would be okay. In the same conversation, she was assuring me that everything would be okay.
Boy how the tables had turned. She is one of the friends I would have long conversations with before each one of my heart surgeries last year. We said our “I love you”s and I told her I wish I could be there with her. But since I live in another state I couldn’t be there, unfortunately. You know, I said all of the things you say to your loved ones when they are going through surgery or a tough time.
As we talked, memories of last year came flooding back to my mind. Memories that I try to forget about some days. If you are new here….. I had five heart surgeries this past year from a rare genetic heart condition that I found out about in September of 2017. After my diagnosis, I was sent into a whirlwind. Life changed drastically! Hospital stays, heart surgeries, cardiologists, and heart meds were the new normal and it wasn’t fun!
As my friend and I talked she said something that really struck me…..
She mentioned she had no idea how her body would react to anesthesia and I envied her. She had never had to have anesthesia before. She had never gone under the knife. I began to really envy her!
I Know What It Feels Like
I know what it feels like to have anesthesia run like wildfire in your body. Anesthesia and I have never been friends, especially last year. Prior to having my five heart surgeries, I had several other surgeries… sinus surgery, gynecological surgeries, and even a hysterectomy. So, I know all too well how my body reacts to anesthesia and so much more!
I know what it feels like to have your heart have a hole in it.
I know what it feels like to literally have an aching heart.
I know what it feels like to leave my kids wondering if I would ever see them again, wondering if their daddy would come back to them without me.
I know what it feels like to look at my parents’ and in-laws worry as I left to have my heart mended. I wished I could have told them that it would be okay and meant it.
I know what it feels like to watch my husband stay strong on the outside, knowing he is crumbling on the inside.
I know what it feels like to lay in a hospital bed wondering about my future.
I know what it feels like to “stump” doctors and feel like there is no hope.
I know what it feels like to have catheters in my legs that go from my groin to my heart. And by the way, IT BLOWS! It hurts and that is all I will say about that. I cannot let my mind go there anymore.
I know what it feels like to be a human pincushion. So many times nurses ran out of places to put an IV and they would have to go to other measures to insert IVs on my body.
I know what it feels like to feel so bad physically, that I could not put sentences together.
I know what it feels like to have a tube, wire or probe going into every hole, crevice or doctor made puncture on my body.
I know what it feels like to be cut open, my lungs collapsed and tubes coming out from the inside to the outside. It is NOT fun!
I know what it feels like to feel hopeless, confused, distraught, faithless, crappy and the list goes on and on.
But, I also know the body, especially the heart, is an amazing thing! I learned a lot about the heart in the past year. Some things I remembered from school, but most was news to me.
The heart is an organ that is so fragile, yet so strong. It is an organ that you cannot live without, but can endure so much. It is an organ that keeps you alive and can give you so much, but in an instant can take it away.
Life is fragile. Life can be cruel somedays. But, one thing is for sure it is super sweet when you can come out of the pits of hell to tell about it. I wouldn’t be here to tell about it without you in my life. This past year I have taken you on this journey with me and I truly believe your love has helped me through.
I may know what it feels like to feel all of those things I wrote above, but after this year I also know what it feels like to be victorious. I came through on the other side and lived to tell about it.
I know what it feels like to feel loved. Your love and support this year has meant the world to me. You kept me going. I would not be the Content Creator I am today if it wasn’t for you. You were counting on me to create more content and to tell my story, so I did. Thank you for holding me accountable and loving me!
I know what it feels like to move ahead in my career. A career some others dream about. I love the business I am in! My team and I hit milestones this year that we had only been dreaming about before this year.
I know what it feels like to be an overcomer. I overcame death and am living to tell about it. Need I say more?
I know what it feels like to have a Father that loves me unconditionally. God obviously wasn’t finished with me this year, so I will spend more time thanking Him and honoring Him by telling all of my stories in hopes that it will help someone else.
I know what it feels like….
A Year In Reflection
It may seem like 2018 wasn’t my year, but it SO was! It was the year I found out I am stronger than I thought. It was the year I found out I can do anything, even conquer death with the help of my God. It was the year my faith was tested and the enemy tried to take me down, but I survived. I learned who I truly was through God’s eyes.
The word I held onto in 2018 was RESTORATION. 2018 was the year I saw restoration in my own life.
2019 will bring new prayers, obstacles, and triumphs, but with my God I can do anything! What are you praying for in 2019? Can I help you pray? I would be honored!
Thank you again, for being here this year and loving me through my hot mess. You are so appreciated!
By the way, my friend is doing great and is on the mend. Cannot wait to squeeze her and tell her thank you for the reflection. She knows I am a bit sappy and if you have been reading here for longer than a hot minute, you do too!
Happy New Year my friends!