At the end of 2020 we had some amazing women come to The PurposeFULL Woman Facebook Group to share their stories. This woman’s story blessed so many of us and I know she will bless you too! Here is what she had to say and How to Start Overcoming Domestic Violence Today for yourself or for someone you may know.
How to Start Overcoming Domestic Violence Today
How many of you feel like you are the princess living in your castle? Ever notice how the princesses have to overcome some kind of obstacle before they finally live happily ever after? I would like to share with you a little about my struggle. The only reason that I am talking to you is because it is a very relevant struggle for many people today. I have read about it happening way too often to so many others, so I am hoping to share some insight on how to overcome domestic violence.
Do me a favor, don’t think that anyone is too smart, too strong, too “whatever” to be in this situation, because it’s not like a woman goes looking for someone to treat them like dirt. It usually starts off gradually and the excuses start coming. Statistics say that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience physical violence. At least 5 million acts of domestic violence occur annually to women aged 18 years or older. In our opinion, that is WAY too often.
If you have used or know anyone who has used any of the following excuses then please reassess the situation:
- He didn’t actually hit me.
- He didn’t mean to.
- I made him mad.
- I shouldn’t do that.
- He was just joking when he said that.
The saying “be careful what you tolerate, because you are teaching people how to treat you” is so true in this situation. Many times the abuser starts with verbal insults, once they realize that those are tolerated, then they will progress to physical violence.
If you are dating and not married yet then leave if you have any idea that he might be violent. Do not think that you can change him by loving him more, marrying him, having a baby, etc. Only God can change him, YOU CANNOT! Don’t believe that you are the only one that can help him. There are professionals that can do that, it is not your responsibility to change him or love him more. If he wants help then he will go, otherwise he is just manipulating you. Know the signs!
2 Corinthians 6:14: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
The Devil is a Liar
Do you like a liar? I know I don’t, but I believed one once upon a time.
The devil told me that others would not understand. The devil told me that others would think poorly of me. The devil told me that others may even think it was my fault. The devil told me: you made your bed now lie in it! People tried to warn you. What happened to the strong, smart woman you used to be? Do you think they’ll ever respect you again?
Lies, lies, lies! Nothing but lies! But, I started wondering: What if he’s right? What if no one else will have me and what if no one believes me?
Isaiah 54: 17: But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!
You Can Overcome
Most women I know that have experienced domestic violence look back on the experience and can’t believe that they lived that life. I know that I was one who always said, I would never put up with someone who mistreated me. Then one day I realized that all the manipulation, put downs, screaming, threats, and actual violence were not normal. Even though it had become a normality at my house.
One day, I woke up and it was like someone took the blinders off my eyes. I was in the middle of a movie, of all places. It just hit me! I did not know who I was or what had become of the woman I once was and the one I dreamed of being. And who the heck was this guy that had invaded my home? The person who used to act as if he adored me and as if I could do no wrong, now blamed me for EVERYTHING that went wrong.
Isaiah 49:25: For this is what the LORD says: “Even the captives of a mighty man will be taken, and the prey of a tyrant will be delivered; I will contend with the one who contends with you, and I will save your children.
What Was Next for Me
So, now that my eyes were opened and the blinders had been removed…… what now? How do I fix this? I am a fixer at heart…. surely this can be fixed. Right?
Should we try counseling? Oh no! We do not suggest there is a problem and we will not talk to anyone about it, because threats are made if that is ever even mentioned again.
What if we just temporarily separate and try time in our own corners? You know a time-out , of sorts, for both of us. Time to work on me to fix all the problems that he said I created? Maybe without me in the picture things will get better for him.
What if I pray harder? Try harder? Maybe, I shouldn’t provoke him and things will get better. Maybe, just maybe, if I control everything then nothing can go wrong. Right?
WRONG!
These ideas seem ridiculous now, but when you’re desperate you will try anything.
Do Not Judge
I am hoping by sharing my experience that you will find it harder to judge another that is going through domestic violence. Most people do not mean to judge, but it still happens. Please, don’t be judgmental if you think someone you know might be in the middle of a situation like this. Don’t EVER tell her that she should have listened or known better. I promise you that old saying, “love is blind” is SO true.
If she decides to go back to him, you will find yourself thinking: I can’t believe she went back to him. But in all reality, he may have threatened to harm some of her family or friends. If she stays, she feels that at least she doesn’t have to put someone else in harm’s way. That is the last thing she would want to do. Why should someone else suffer too?
What do you do if you think a friend or family member of yours might be in a situation like this?
- Let them know you support them no matter what. Being alone and afraid is a bad combination.
- Help them develop a plan. When you are struggling stay safe, it is hard to plan for the future.
- Volunteer to make phone calls to check out places and resources for them if they admit to needing help. The abuser is usually very controlling and manipulative. Do not send text or talk to the person unless you have been given the all clear.
- Know that they are doing everything in their power to make life look normal.
- Be understanding if they are distant. The abuser wants to isolate the victim and the victim is too embarrassed to cry out for help.
It is Time to Get Out
So what can one do to get out of this situation?
- You must remain calm.
- Make a plan.
- Pray for wisdom.
- Do not leave during one of his raging fits.
- Tell someone that you can trust what is happening and tell them your plan.
- Document as much as you can.
The chance of making it out alive is very low if you try to leave during one of his raging fits. He will be on high alert during this time. Document as much as you can as you come up with a plan. It will help more than you know. Tell someone, that you can trust, what is happening. It’s hard to think straight during a time like this, so you need someone with a clear perspective when the time comes to leave. You will need their guidance, support and love.
When the Time Comes to Leave
Don’t worry about material things, they can be replaced. When you decide to leave just make sure you have enough to get the heck out of dodge. Have a bag packed and ready to go with necessities and necessities only where he cannot find them. Material things can be replaced, you cannot be replaced!
Do not answer the phone if he calls. Now that phones are so easy to trace, I suggest turning off Find my iPhone and Life360 or any other apps that can track you. Change your phone and number, if possible.
From there, talk to a lawyer. Most of them will do a consult for free before they ask for a retainer.
Learn More
If you would like to hear the full interview, please go HERE for the video in The PurposeFULL Woman. You will need to become a member of the group to watch, because of the sensitivity of the topic. If we can help save one person from losing their life then it is worth being uncomfortable to share ideas and resources to help them break free.
Resources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE, www.thehotline.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE, www.rainn.org
- McKemie Place in Alabama
- National Dating Abuse Helpline: 1-866-311-9474, www.loveisrespect.org
- Penelope House in Alabama
- Look for others in your area
